How to Speak to Aging Parents about Transitions in Later Life

Fostering productive conversations on aging and health changes may be challenging for children of aging parents. Approach the topic with empathy, patience, and respect to foster an open reception and dialogue. Ensure that an aging parent feels supported while deciding on life changes for safety, security, health, and wellness. The following information may be used by anyone who needs to have difficult conversations about change.

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The first step toward productive conversations with aging parents is to explore helpful resources. Start by identifying the needed resources and ease of obtaining assistance for daily living activities before a discussion is planned. Look into options available for in-home care, healthcare, housing, social activity, mental health, and financial support. Resources should fit within the financial budget.

After finding resources, plan the time and a setting for the conversation in a quiet, comfortable space to avoid distractions and emotional triggers. Involve siblings or other close family members to ensure a unified approach and understanding. Consider including family doctors, counselors, financial advisors, or other trusted advisors. Provide advance notice to all involved that the discussion will concern a specific topic. Avoid ambushing a parent and other stakeholders; it will complicate the discussion to start in a defensive posture. Anticipate emotional responses and be ready to handle resistance, fear, or denial with calm and reassurance. Use language that includes emotion and acknowledges, rather than discounts, any emotional reaction.

STARTING THE CONVERSATION

Build rapport and ease into the topic by starting with a light, casual conversation before transitioning to sensitive issues. Research on older adult transitions surrounding health shows that successful transitions begin with small steps around change. Changes should be addressed for the individual’s happiness, safety, and security while aiding them in accepting limitations and discussing the “what ifs.” A parent should acknowledge these aging factors, or they will not likely be open to changes. Here are examples of how to broach the topic of aging changes.

Example: “I’ve been thinking about how we can plan for the future to make things easier for you.”

Express concern without judgment by framing it with care.

Example: “I’ve noticed you’ve been having a little trouble with [specific issue]. How can I help?”

If there is resistance or an emotional reaction that ends the discussion, acknowledge the emotion and voice a plan to return to the discussion later. It may take several attempts to keep the conversation going. Most certainly, do not expect an immediate result. Older adults generally need time to accept the benefits of an intended change before making decisions.

Example: “You feel angry talking about this now, which is understandable; let’s plan to talk again next week. How does that sound?”

Then re-engage in a discussion later, don’t let them out of the conversation if they say no, remind them of the positive steps already taken, and continue the difficult discussion another day. Continue to stress the need for safety, security, health, and wellness.

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DISCUSSING KEY AREAS OF TRANSITION

Health and wellness are among the top concerns for most people as they age. Emphasize a proactive health management plan that includes regular exercise, nutrition, medication management, and an overall health screening. Schedule wellness checks that include memory loss screenings to create a baseline, which is essential for future discussions. Physicians are potentially a big help in deciding when to change driving conditions, living at home alone needs, or determining a threshold for moving into care communities. Physicians can help explain why change is necessary. Explore the varying options of home care services or assisted living if required.

Living arrangements at home may be extended by addressing mobility and safety concerns. AARP provides a safety checklist to help prevent falls and create accessibility at aarp.org/home-family/your-home/info-2021/aging-in-place-checklist. Discuss the pros and cons of home modifications, downsizing, relocating, or exploring senior living communities.

Financial planning can help ensure that most financial situations are secure and aligned with future needs. Discuss the specifics and overall financial needs for the remaining years, including naming a financial power of attorney, health care power of attorney directives, end-of-life directives and estate planning. Montana State University Extension has several resources available for these topics online at montana.edu/estateplanning/eppublications.html.

Social and emotional well-being should also be discussed to support mental health. To combat loneliness and isolation, help them explore hobbies, communityprograms, or engage in family gatherings. These aging components often are forgotten, especially as people move away and cognitive changes occur. Encourage continued social activity and connections with other people.

HOW TO LISTEN AND VALIDATE THEIR FEELINGS

For older parents to feel validated, acknowledge their autonomy by reaffirming that decisions are ultimately theirs to make. Practice active listening by allowing them to share fears, hopes, or concerns without interrupting or arguing. Address resistance compassionately by showing care, concern, and understanding of their hesitation. Work together to find a compromise; it may take gentle reminders on how resistance to change will affect them and their safety, security, finances, and overall health.

After listening to a parent’s concern, it is time to provide information, resources, and realistic choices. Share potential options and examples to help address the challenges and suggested changes. Offer support, emphasizing a willingness to help navigate the logistics. Create a plan together by setting short and long-term goals, identifying immediate needs, and planning for future transitions. Plan specific activities to learn more together by taking tours and visiting with potential resources.

Follow up regularly to keep the conversation ongoing, adapting as circumstances evolve. End positively by highlighting the benefits of change to ease the natural transitions of aging. Finally, reiterate support and commitment to helping every step of the way. Remember, keeping an aging parent healthy, safe, and supported may take several conversations. These discussions are challenging because it is difficult for aging parents to face a loss of independence. Helping them feel safe and secure in their health, daily living, and emotional well-being is a supportive approach to help parents overcome adjustments to their independence.

Daniel Koltz is the MSU Extension Gerontology Specialist.